It is nearly 3:00 a.m. as I write this, so please excuse any errors!
I just finished a very intense cry. Trying not to give TMI, it all started with a loving gesture from my husband. Somehow it triggered a stress response in me, and I couldn’t get my body to let go of the tension. My breathing was shallow, and my whole body was tensed up as though I was getting ready for flight or fight. Poor Steve was on the verge of falling asleep, but I asked begged him to stay awake.
How does a crying jag fit in with trying to live in freedom? Well, I got through it! Instead of merely trying to soothe the uncomfortable feelings and make them go away as soon as possible, I went against my usual pattern and felt the feelings further. (I’m going to be annoyed by that phrase in the morning when my grammar-brain turns on, but for now I can deal with it.)
Backing up a little…
Earlier this evening, Steve and I went to the hospital to get a tour of the labour and delivery ward. We are planning to have this baby at home, but I want us to be prepared for any outcome. The tour lasted — I’m not kidding — 5 minutes, max. I wish I could say it was because they were very busy, but they weren’t. The nurse didn’t introduce herself to us or ask our names. She quickly showed us the front desk as we walked towards another room. She opened the door to the room and told us it was the room where they do an initial exam. Then we walked briskly to a labour and delivery room (which happened to be the same room Bailey was born in 🙂 ). We got a quick glimpse, and then she brought us down a hall, explained briefly that we wouldn’t be guaranteed a private room post-partum, and sent us on our way. I wasn’t expecting to be allowed to touch anything or try out the bed or ask a ton of questions or anything but… wow.
The whole tour was so surreal and ludicrous that Steve and I weren’t even annoyed. In fact, we chose to see it as a clear sign that we are meant to have this baby at home. We actually giggled about it as we walked to the car.
Anyway, the impending birth has been on my mind a lot lately, and I think the tour brought it to the forefront. When I was feeling my feelings in bed tonight I realized just how scared I am about this birth. I have been trying to deny the fear, thinking it would go away, and superstitiously worried that by acknowledging the fears I would cause them to manifest. (That’s the part of The Secret that I don’t quite get yet).
I am really afraid! I am afraid of the labour pain. I am afraid of giving up control. I am afraid of ending up in the hospital. LOL, I am also afraid of not ending up in the hospital and having to birth this baby without painkillers! I am afraid that I’ll make too much noise. I am afraid that we won’t save up enough money in time. I am afraid of other people seeing me naked. I am afraid of the post-partum pain.
After I finished crying and let Steve go to sleep I realized that in addition to feeling afraid, I now felt very, very brave. And proud. And relieved. I made myself a cup of tea and decided to write about it while it was still fresh in my mind.
I faced the dragon tonight, and I am totally fine. Now I just need to stay honest with myself about my fears. I am reading Birthing From Within, and it is fantastic. I think my main task from now until baby’s birthday will be to make friends with the dragon.